


Kitchen Table Discussions

by GoBobe



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alien Biology, Asexual Character, Dib is like 28?, M/M, One Shot, Relationship Discussions, he needs to talk about it, man's got needs, no beta we mie like den
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 03:42:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20790050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoBobe/pseuds/GoBobe
Summary: Dib is a 28 year old college man and he has needs. Zim is still an alien. Hi-jinks and heated late night talks ensue.





	Kitchen Table Discussions

**Author's Note:**

> Be forewarned, I am but a simple fic writer who wasn't all that into IZ as a kid but got my interest revived after Florpus and the dynamic of older Dib and Zim intrigues me. First fic of fandom. Need more asexual fanfic media, so I'm providing.

“You drivelling, stinky worm boy! It is you who is not working with me!”

Zim screamed at the top of his lungs over the table to his human <s>subordinate</s> <s>slave</s> <s>enemy</s> companion who currently had his head in his hands and was groaning heatedly in exasperation. 

“Then, do you at least understand what I’m asking?” Dib groaned from within his hands. 

“Of course I do!” Zim smacked his small fist on the table, narrowing his eyes in defiance. “What do you take me for? A smeetling?” 

“Okay,” Dib breathed out in the verbal equivalent of an eye-roll. Tenting his fingers under his chin, he lifted his head to look at the little green alien in the eyes. “Then, let’s review. What is kissing? What is a sex? And what are the most relevant parts of human anatomy concerning the action?”

Dib watched with muted annoyance as Zim froze, his brain still trying to process what it had obviously not been processing for the last two hours. Dib sighed dejectedly as he saw Zim’s lower eyelid twitch with mental effort. 

“It’s-! Uh…!” Zim began. “W-Well kissing is a method of human food exchange, sex is a human leisure activity that involves donuts and sausages, and the human anatomy needed to perform a “sex” are the lips, the human nose, and the human blood!”

Dib dropped his head to the table, banging it against the unyielding wood in a slow rhythm. This was getting nowhere. 

“Zim,” Dib gritted through his teeth. “Are you doing this on purpose?”

“Doing what on purpose?” Zim asked a bit too innocently for Dib’s liking.

“Completely ignoring everything I’ve been explaining to you for the past two hours?”

Dib heard Zim gasp like a soap opera wife who just found out her husband had been cheating on her. If Dib had the energy to look up, he’d bet his life, his father’s life, his sister’s life, and the entire universe’s existence that Zim would be recoiling as if Dib had just smacked his “goooooor-geous face”. 

Zim absolutely was, and he also pointed at Dib j’accusingly from where he stood on his chair and booster seat.

“How dare you insinuate that I, the great ZIM, had not been listening to you and your gross human feelings speech!”

Dib tiredly looked up. He could feel another set of bags dropping under his eyes. Even if Zim wasn’t up for or even capable of sex, Dib was still a human male in his late 20’s with a mating drive that would bother him a lot less if he had permission from his angry alien partner to seek out other sexualy receptive people. Dib’s perfect plan was to just casually explain the concept in a conversation that would’ve lasted a few minutes before bedtime to pique Zim’s interest in the subject. Then, Zim would’ve done more research of his own accord, come to him with more questions which Dib would’ve gladly answered, and then they would’ve come to an agreement about whether Zim would be okay with Dib seeking out casual sex outside of their tenuous relationship. 

Dib put a palm to his tired face, grieving the loss of that perfect plan. Leave it to Zim to thoroughly render all planning pointless and goad you into a two hour long debunking tirade of all the ridiculous theories his strange mind had fabricated for the subject over the years. 

“I was listening quite well,” Zim continued, surprisingly calm all of a sudden. “You explained kissing as an enjoyable mouth-to-mouth interaction between two humans! Ancient Irken drones fed the brood in a similar manner before the smeeteries became widespread technology, so, logically, kissing must be a similar action!”

Dib’s eyebrow raised. He was listening? Then, what about-?

“I didn’t really have any context for all the human anatomy stuff when you were explaining what sex was, but you did a motion with your hands that looked like putting a sausage inside of a donut! GIR did that a lot before eating them both when we came to Earth for the first time, and he really seemed to enjoy that, so I was sure I understood what you meant by sex!”

Dib’s jaw dropped. 

“And like I said, I didn’t have much of a reference point for the human anatomy stuff, so I just listened really hard to the stuff I did know. You said sex has a lot of kissing, so the lips must be important. Then, you got quiet and smiley and gross when you started talking about whatever “musk” is, but you said you smelled it, so I know the nose is the most important part. And then you said that blood has to fill up this peeeee-nips organ that humans have, so that’s the last anatomy you need! Zim is a great listener! SAY I’M A GREAT LISTENER!” Zim screeched to the ceiling.

Dib could really only blush and look at the table, biting the inside of his cheek with a feeling of shame and embarrassment swirling around in his gut. After living with him for two and a half years, it was hard not to think of Zim as a “slightly weird, but mostly acclimated humanoid”. It hadn’t even occurred to Dib that Zim still wouldn’t’ve gotten any kind of human sex ed since they were both still in elementary school when they first met and when he’d left. That and Dib was in college by the time he came back, so all chances to get that kind of class into his learning schedule would’ve been skipped. (Not that he was paying very much attention anyway or that the school system they went to was any kind of competent.) He shouldn’t’ve expected him to instantly understand the emotional and social implications for humans in regards to kissing and sex when Zim still didn’t even know basic human anatomy. 

Dib frowned when the thought hit him. It was one thing for Dib to admit he was wrong, but getting Zim to admit he needed to learn about human anatomy? This was going to be another challenge entirely. 

“Okay, okay. You are a great listener,” Dib admitted, putting his palms up in surrender. “I didn’t know you still don’t have a great grasp of human anatomy, and you have to know human anatomy pretty intimately for this conversation to make any sense. I’m sorry.”

He saw Zim sit back down on his booster seat and grin like he’d just won an argument, “Apology accepted, Dib-stink! Now, did you have a point you wanted to make here? It is way past your human bedtime and you should be asleep by now! You will rot your monkey brain!” 

Dib chuckled at Zim’s concern. He never slept enough anyway, so that was the least of his worries. 

“I did actually have a point,” Dib conceded. “But I don’t think your ready to give a full, honest answer to my question. We can continue this tomorrow after I get back from early morning lectures if you-”

“Absolutely Not!” Zim interjected. “Even if you think I cannot answer your question, I should still like to ponder it during your human sleep phase.

Zim pointed at Dib from across the table, “You shall speak the question! I demand it!”

“Alright!” Dib surrendered again! “Okay! I’ll ask my question. Just…” 

Dib paused, “... Please remember this is really important to me. I don’t know how you’ll react, but I don’t want you to feel hurt, okay?”

“You are sta-ling,” Zim pointed out.

“Sorry,” Dib admitted. “What I’m trying to say is… Zim, would it be okay with you if I, uh… went and had sex with other people?”

Silence permeated the room, and Dib refused to look the other in the eye. Dib hated the silence. The only times Zim was silent was when he truly was upset or stressed and if he was silent now that must’ve meant Dib had misread his feelings or knowledge, and wound up hurting him by making him seem unfaithful or ungrateful and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to explain the question away which would be a nightmare in and of itself if he could even-

“Dib.”

Dib looked at little green alien who spoke his name. Of all the expressions he expected Zim to have… utter confusion was not one of them. Zim was never silent when he was confused. What did he do to him?

“Dib,” Zim tried. “Uh...”

He saw Zim suck in through his teeth, “You’re right, I really don’t get what you just asked.”

Dib’s tactical brain thankfully fired off the right neurons in that moment and reminded him of his original plan. It might not be unsalvageable after all. 

“Do you, uh, have questions…?” Dib ventured.

“Well, yes.” Zim said tactfully. “One, from the way you described it, I thought you had human sex with anyone you wanted to already, so why do you need my permission to continue? Two, why is this so important to you? Does human sex imply exclusivity? And thirdly, are you telling me all of this stuff because you want to do this gross human ritual with me?”

Well, this was a lot.

“Um,” Dib started. “I can answer those. For your first question, I’ll answer your fourth question first. Human sex does imply excusivity most of the time. If other humans know you have sex with lots of people, they will often ostricize you. I determined you and I have an intimate relationship, so I stopped having sex with other people when I decided I’d like to be close to you. That’s why I would like your permission to continue.”

Dib smiled when he saw Zim blush dark green and mumble obscenities when he called what they have an “intimate relationship”.

“For your second question, well… I don’t know if you know this, but sex is a basic biological drive for humans. I feel these urges to have sex involuntarily, and normally it’s up to both partners in a relationship to decide how to deal with those urges. I didn’t want to leave you out of the discussion just because you’re not human.”

Zim looked genuinely interested in what Dib was saying, which encouraged the young man to continue, “And as for your last question, well, yes. I’d like to, but you are under no obligation to humor me. I’m sure as complicated as human anatomy is for you, whatever you have would be just as hard for me to understand. Normally, humans like to mate with one person for the rest of their life but-”

“HOLD OOOON!” Zim yelled, holding up his hands. “DIB! Did you say “mate”? “Mate” as in “produce brood” mate?!”

Dib nodded slowly, “Uh, yeah. That’s normally the whole point of sex, as long as you have the correct gametes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were Nu-xaa?!” Zim slapped his own head with an audible slap. “Now I understand everything!”

Dib tilted his head. What the hell did he just figure out?

“Uh,” Dib tried. “What do you understand?”

“Do you humans not have a Nu-xaa? Oh... what’s an Earth word for it? A smeet-producer? A queen? A fertile-one?”

Dibs eyes widened. So, Irken reproduced like eusocial insects? That explained a lot actually. Including the whole kissing = food transfer misunderstanding.

“Well, no. We all are- uh, what did you say they were called? Nu-zaa? Humans all become able to produce and bear young once we fully mature.”

“You ALL are Nu-xaa?!” Zim looked so surprised he seemed close to fainting. The blood had drained from his face. He looked like a pale spring leaf just shaking in the wind. 

Zim swallowed thickly before continuing through chattering teeth, “S-So… Awkward question, but why are you not… y’know, dead?”

Dib thought for a minute and nodded thoughtfully. Most male drones for eusocial insects die after mating, so Zim’s question made sense. 

“Well, human females don’t make more than one or two babies at one time. Males like me stay alive so we can impregnate females over and over again.”

“ONLY ONE OR TWO?!” Zim’s jaw hung open. “Well, Wow! Just… wow.”

Zim hung his head with a shocked expression still plastered to his face, while Dib just sat with his hands in his lap. They both sat in silence for a while as they both processed what the other had said. Learning your roommate was probably hatched was a lot to take in, and so was learning that humans apparently all have the reproduction drives of only the most elite of your species. 

Zim was the first to speak after the pregnant pause.

“So, uh Dib,” he ventured into the awkward air. “I’m, uh, sorry to disappoint you, and I’m flattered that you’d mistake me for a fellow Nu-xaa, but I am just a simple V’zbek. And a male. In case you don’t know, that means I, uh, wasn’t made for being able to mate. I don’t have the organs for that. And even if I did, they’d be the wrong ones for producing brood!”

Dib smirked fondly at his roommate and shook his head, “I’m not disappointed, Zim. This is why I wanted to talk with you about it in the first place.”

“BUT!” Zim continued loudly. “I would not be opposed to studying this part of human anatomy with you. You can go get whatever you need from the other Nu-xaa seeing as how it’s your biological duty-”

“Not quite...” Dib interjected.

“BUT-” Zim held up a finger. “Now, you’ve got me interested! I may not be much help in producing brood, but if you say this is a leisure activity that is enjoyable, I would like to try it with you once! Or until I decide I hate it! Whichever comes fiiir-st!”

Dib laughed. It was a low laugh. A laugh that could only exist between the small hours of the morning and a laugh that could only exist when galaxies aligned to send you a personal beacon of light and fire in the looming, infinite darkness of the expanding universe. 

Dib stuck out his hand and shook Zim’s when he grabbed back.

“Deal?”

“DeOOL!”

**Author's Note:**

> Considering writing out how Dib and Zim go about getting freaky later like they agreed. Wouldn't be very fun for Zim but Dib would probably appreciate it. Lemme know what you think if you think anything at all. Kudos are appreciated.


End file.
